Let me just get something out on the table. I have a serious phobia of gas station bathrooms. Well I guess you could throw in, all public restrooms, but gas station bathrooms tend to cause me the most anxiety. This might seem a bit odd for a big scary looking man to be afraid of something as harmless as a gas station bathroom, but I can't help it. This is not a phobia that I was born with, say like being afraid of heights, but rather one that I have cultivated over the years. One bad experience after another has finally led me to this affliction.
While there are many people who read this blog that know me on a personal level, there are also a lot of people who do not know me. I know this because I check the audience stats and I have people viewing this blog from Russia, Britain, Australia, hell even Venezuela for fucks sake. In this past week alone I have had 19 unique views from Russia. I can safely say that I don't know one damn person who lives in Russia. I feel I need to explain a few things to those people, about myself, to make sense of my phobia of gas stations. My day job involves working in the field. This means that I spend long hours without regular access to a bathroom. I have no choice but to use public restrooms throughout the day.
This is probably not a big deal to most people but I am not most people. If at all possible I will avoid using a gas station bathroom at all cost, but sometimes I have no choice. My biggest issue with gas station bathrooms is that 95% of gas stations only have a single toilet for men and a single toilet for women. That means that if there is someone using the men's bathroom I have to wait around until their finished. Almost certainly every time there is someone in the bathroom when I stop. And because men are disgusting beasts every time they are taking a shit. It is the same story day after day. Americans eat too much crap food and then have the most disgusting bowel movements in history. I am sorry but the idea of walking into an enclosed space after some obese man just took a power shit is not my idea of a fun time. I actually have an unwritten rule that if I find the bathroom door locked I will wait no longer than 30 seconds for the bathroom door to open. Any longer than that and I know there is some god awful nightmare going on inside those walls.
Of course not every time is the door locked when I go to open it. There are those rare occasions the bathroom is not occupied. While this might seem like a good thing, it is almost always a very, very, very bad thing. Nine times out of ten, when I find the bathroom door unlocked, I walk in and find the results of some maniacs powershit sitting unflushed in the toilet. There is nothing on this earth that upsets me more than this. Public bathrooms generally have very powerful flushes. That means that all someone has to do is reach behind them and pull the lever down. It quite literally requires no effort at all and yet still there are some disgusting pigs out there that find themselves unable to complete such a simple task. I tend to see myself as a peaceful and philosophical man but something like that will quickly turn me into a raging bull.
So to get around the nightmare that is gas station bathrooms I will generally opt to use the bathroom at a grocery or department store. My personal favorite are grocery stores since most of them have bathrooms located at the front and most have a separate urinal. This tends to be the safest option although there can still be some hit and misses. Today was one of those misses.
You see, I had some drinks Friday night. Whenever I have some drinks about two days later I will have to urinate quite a bit. I have deduced the cause of this but that's not important right now. What is important to know is that when I left my office to get my work day started it wasn't very long until I had to take a wicked piss. When I am like this I have about five minutes between feeling like I have to piss until I get to the point that I have to piss so bad that it is about to squirt out of my ears. So I decided to go to my old standby, a local Krogers (a grocery store for the non-locals). By the time I parked my work truck I was to the point of squirming around. I affectionately refer to this stage as doing the "pee-pee dance". While this is a very horrible state to be in, relief was at least in sight. I made a sprint for the front door with no regard for the car that had to lock up its brakes to avoid hitting me. Passing through the double doors I was a man on a mission. And that mission ended in utter failure when I saw that the men's bathroom was taped off. I may or may not have let out an expletive under my breath at this point.
I had to think fast because things were reaching a point of no return. Now I do not recommend doing this, but behind the store there is a secluded spot that backs up to woods. If I position my truck just right I can piss into a bottle behind it and be completely unseen. Weighing my options this seemed like the best course of action. I sprinted back to my work truck and drove around the store to the back. Just wouldn't you know it but for some reason there was a family walking their dog behind the store. Seriously? I cursed them over and over again as I drove past. Of all the places to have a pow wow, you chose behind a fucking grocery store? Why not a park or a nice walking path? Idiots! So now things were looking bleak for me. The closest option was a nearby gas station but that was out of the question for the above mentioned reasons. I decided that instead I would make the 5 to 10 minute drive to the next closest grocery store, a Meijers. I actually prefer this place over Krogers because their bathrooms are located between two sets of doors so I don't even have to walk into the store itself. Not to mention the bathroom is bigger and that means more room for "funk" to dissipate.
I drove as fast as I could without breaking the speed limit. I was squirming and dancing around my seat the whole time. I tried the two finger willy shuffle and even meditation but nothing could soothe that urge to piss. I even began stomping my non driving foot but that provided no relief at all. All it would take is one delay and I would be forced to piss my pants. Luckily for me there were no car accidents and no downed power lines and none of the other things that might delay a drive. I pulled into the parking lot like a man on a mission and parked with a fury. I stormed out of my truck and marched, not walk but marched, my ass towards the front doors. As I made my way there one of those handicap buses pulled up to the front doors and the driver began helping to unload a man in a wheel chair. Now don't get me wrong, I have the utmost compassion for handicap people. I spent the better part of a year being unable to fully use my right hand (which is not even my dominant hand) and I know how damn difficult a minor disability like that can be.
But when I have to piss I am in war mode and I take no prisoners. I sprinted behind the back of the bus and came around and leapt over the wheel chair ramp and made my way inside. Now keep in mind, I leapt over the ramp like Walter Payton leaping over a defensive back to score a touchdown. In reality, I probably more closely resembled Walter Matthau stumbling out of a Puerto Rican brothel drunk as a skunk. It didn't matter to me, all that mattered was I now had a clear path to the bathroom. I darted inside. The urinal was beside a stall and I saw some feet and knew the guy next to me was probably taking a crap but at this point it didn't matter. I now had sweet relief. Generally in these circumstances I just breath through my mouth and not my nose and try to hurry as fast as I can. I was hoping against hope that I was there for the tail end of it and not the beginning.
Of course as luck would have it, I was at the beginning. Now you can sometimes hear some odd sounds in the bathroom but what I heard defies the laws of physics. Whatever was coming out of this man's bowels created more sounds than Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. It sounded like some demon infused avalanche of unholiness. Holding my breath meant I didn't smell it but nothing can ever compare to hearing what that man did. Somethings a human being just shouldn't hear and that was one of them.
That is me. That is what I have to deal with. That is why I am the way that I am. And that leads me to the next rule about attracting the opposite sex.
Rule Number 6- If you sound like a symphony of destruction when you take a shit, don't ever let the opposite sex hear you because I guarantee you no one would ever want to have sex with the man who made that sound.
I know, I know, I know. Everyone is saying dammit Jason! When are you really going to tell us how to attract the opposite sex through personal training? Don't worry. The next entry is going to detail what men find most attractive in woman and how woman can utilize certain training principals to better achieve that look. The following entry will zero in on the men. And that is not the end of this series. It is not the beginning of the series either. Instead it will be the end of the beginning because building a better you is 1 part body, 1 part mind, and 1 part spirit and I will leave no stone unturned.
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