Whew! I made it, but just barely. I have to take a moment and pat myself on the back for a job well done before saying that I will never subject myself to that kind of torture again. It was a very rough road and those thirty days felt more like a half a year.
This weight loss challenge began on March 19th. I knew that I had thirty days to make a certain weight so I stepped on my scale and after a quick bit of subtraction I realized I had to drop a daunting forty-five pounds. I then sat down at our kitchen table and really let that number soak into my head. I kept visualizing a big bold number four and then a big bold number five. I became consumed with that number.
Actually that is total bullshit. I am pretty sure I just plopped down on the sofa and watched some television after getting off the scale. Maybe about an hour later it finally hit me just how much damn weight I had to lose to make that goal. Forty-five pounds in thirty days equals out to a pound a half a day. That number doesn't seem too intimidating until you multiply it by seven and realize that you have to lose ten and a half pounds a week. That is about the time I felt like I wanted to have an anxiety attack. I decided the best course of action was to go to the bathroom and fire off a missile. Sorry but it is really hard to concentrate on a problem when you have to take a wicked shit.
So minus the content of my bowels I finally sat at the kitchen table and began working out a plan of attack. I am the kind of person that likes to plan out every little detail when I do something. I know exactly what I am going to do each and every day. I come up with the plan and then analyze the plan, and then edit the plan, and then analyze some more, and then finally decide on the final product. Of course I never actually follow that plan. I almost always just wing it. You see I said I like to plan out every little detail, I never said I like to actually follow through with the plan.
So I came up with a basic plan of consuming between 700 to 800 calories a day, with all my food choices coming from lean protein sources. Things like protein powder, liquid egg whites, tuna, pork, steak, etc. would be the staples of my diet. I planned on allowing myself one full cheat day the first weekend. On week two I would allow myself a free meal half way through the week and then another on the weekend. On week three I would allow myself one cheat meal on the weekend and then no more cheat meals until the weigh in. My training would consist of a mixture of weight training and cardiovascular conditioning. I figured that I would work to get as close to possible to the forty-five pound loss and then on the day before the weigh in I would cut water weight to make the full forty-five pounds.
For the most part I did actually follow that plan. And let me tell you right now, it really sucked. The diet I followed was based upon a diet by a well known diet guru. I use that term loosely because I don't like gurus. While this guy does know his stuff and is definitely well read and educated, I will flat out say that the diet sucks and should never ever be used. Let me repeat that, NEVER EVER FOR NEVER EVER use that god forsaken diet. You need either some carbs or some fat in your diet for energy. Without either one you are simply short changing your weight loss goals. With no fat or carbs you get unreal headaches, memory loss issues, extreme lethargy and fatigue, and you can't train worth a damn. I seriously lost about fifty pounds off my bench press max after a week.
You are better off having some carbs or fats during your diet the entire time. Which one you chose is up to you because honestly when you are only consuming 700-1000 calories it doesn't really matter where you get your calories from so long as you make sure to get an adequate amount of quality protein. I think the benefit of having higher energy levels far outweighs having a couple hundred less calories a day.
Despite those issues I think weeks one and two were smooth sailing. Weight loss comes quick in the beginning when you do an abrupt dietary change like that. When the pounds are shedding down quickly each day it is easy to stay motivated. That is why many people can easily stay on a diet for about two weeks. The problem is that then weight loss can slow down to a crawl. That happened to me in week three I believe. I remember one day I was just hungry all day and I trained my ass off with both weight training and cardio and I went to bed just knowing I would wake up another three pounds lighter.
I step on the scale the next morning and I lost one pound. One lousy fucking pound???!! I was furious! I was tormenting my body and putting it through hell all for one pound. It didn't seem worth it. I went to work that day and was beyond frustrated. I remember texting my wife and telling her I was fed up with this weight loss challenge. That there is no point busting my ass so hard for just a pound. She told me I was silly and said all those things that I always tell everyone else. You see I know damn well that weight loss does not happen on a straight line but rather ebbs and flows. You might not lose any weight for three days and then on the fourth day you drop four pounds overnight. Most people kind of refer to that as a "woosh". I always tell people all the time just weigh yourself once a week, on the same day and at the same time. Then I go and break my own advice and weigh myself constantly. Then again I was working with a deadline so fuck the rules!
I remember on that day I told myself this was impossible. I could never make my goal of losing forty-five pounds in thirty days. I knew in my heart of hearts I bit off more than I could chew and I was going to fail. While I was sure that I was going to lose I still could not allow myself to give up. You see I am just one of those stubborn people. I hate to be wrong and I hate to lose. There is just something in me, maybe a deep rooted sense of being an asshole and I just have to prove the power of being an asshole. If I lose then assholes everywhere will have to hang their heads in shame. I couldn't do that to my fellow assholes. I had to keep chugging along. I wasn't going to make it but it was not going to be from a lack of effort on my asshole part.
I just want to say something really quick. When I say asshole I don't mean your typical definition of an asshole. I know some egotistical pricks and believe me I can't stand them. Don't ever equate me with those pukes. I am a higher form of asshole that they could never hope to ascend to. I am not mean or cruel or anything of the sort. I am a kind soft hearted asshole.
Okay where was I? Oh yeah, that dreaded week three. It was terrible, but I strongly believe that when you really push yourself past the limit you have to go through that moment of doubt and shame so to speak. Hell, if a moment of doubt and shame was good enough for Jesus, then it is good enough for me right? You know what, I just googled that and found out that song actually says Jesus's moment of doubt and pain. Every time I heard the song I always thought he said doubt and shame. Now my mind is blown.
Wow, that has completely put me in a funk. I am not even sure I can finish this post now. I guess I will have to put this is two parts because this will probably make me weird all day today. It is like someone just murdered a gopher right in front of me. I just feel weird. Okay well stay tuned for part 2.
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