Well originally I was supposed to have written this entry back on the 7th. I wouldn't go as far to say that that statement was a lie, but it certainly did not end up being true. I had also said that this entry would be about specific exercises women should do to improve the all too important waist to hip ratio. You are going to find out that that statement is also not going to end up being true. At the time I said those two statements I did in fact believe them to be true, just somewhere along the way things kind of fell apart.
I am not sure I can pin point where things went wrong. I know that our training lately has been very intense and that has left me fairly drained most nights. The best of intentions can quickly be washed away once you plop down on the sofa after a very tough training session. On top of the training the grass has been growing like a wild fire. We have a decently sized yard and between the rain and warm weather the grass has been out of control. I have been doing my best to keep it mowed down. I knew in the middle of the week that the weather channel was calling for rain over the weekend and I couldn't afford to put mowing off any longer. It only takes a few days of build up and the grass will be too thick for my mower to handle.
Of course mowing on its own is not that big of a deal, but when you combine that with tough training it becomes a factor in not getting other things done. To finish things off my daily nine to five job (not that I work nine to five but you get the meaning) has been jumping off lately as well. Not only do I have to work a full time job but I am also putting in hours on our personal training business and gym. Okay, hours might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I certainly do devote a lot of my time to get these businesses up and running.
So things have taken longer than I would like. Since I don't get paid to make blog entries I don't have to give a flying fuck. Yet I do give a flying fuck. What the hell even is a flying fuck? Is it the word fuck flying through the air? Is it just referencing the act of fucking while flying in the air? I have no fucking idea to be honest but I would like to know one day. Back to my point, yes I do really care about getting these entries out. I hope that, despite their offbeat entertaining nature, people can get some tidbits of useful information out of them. At the very least I hope I can inspire a few people to look at things a bit differently than they did before.
So I think I have covered why I didn't full fill my promise of writing this entry on the 7th. Now as far as why I am not writing about the specific exercises that women can use to improve their all too important waist to hip ratio, well honestly I did kind of lie about that one. I never really intended to make this entry about that. Sure, at some point I will cover that topic but it will be brief and to the point. No offense but if you want details then you can email us and we can set up a consultation. I feel like it would be a disservice to just shill out information that may not apply to you, your history, your body type, and your lifestyle.
Lifestyle you ask? Well hell I don't know what I meant by that! Fuck it, I will give it a stab any ways. Say you are a straight woman but have bi-curious tendencies. Well then I would say that instead of doing 30 minutes of cardio in the morning just find a nice looking woman and go down on her for 30 minutes instead. That way you can satisfy your bi-curious ambitions while also getting a nice sweat going. Killing two birds with one stone. Not only are you meeting two goals but you are also practicing time management! That is what I am talking about when I say that not only do we train you to build a better body but we also train you to be a better you.
So if this entry is not going to be about specific exercises than what is it going to be about? Give me a damn minute and I will get to it. I am a Sagittarius, I can't just come right out and get to the point. I have to hear myself talk for a good half hour before I can even approach the point. Okay I think I have met that criteria now. I am quite a few paragraphs in. So without further adieu here is what this entry is going to be about.
This entry is going to be about the most important time in a man's life. This isn't an abstract concept like puberty, middle age, etc, but a specific time of day. That is the time between taking a shower at night and the time that you have sex with your wife. Obviously if you are not married than you are not dealing with this time of the day so you have a leg up on us married men. Though it does apply to men in long term relationships as well as married men. Why is this time so damn important? Because that is the one time of day that you can't afford to have gas, at least not if you want to get laid. Any woman worth a damn is not going to want something inside her that has just been lacquered with noxious gas.
Yes I know, you don't have gas right? Well if you are serious about training then that means you are going to be consuming a lot of protein. When you consume a lot of protein you have gas. Sorry, but its the way the world works. During the day this is no big deal. Usually you are off working or whatever so your wife won't even know you are doing it. Even when she is around you can still play it off as "protein gas" by announcing very loudly every time you have gas, "protein fart!" Sometimes though the gas is so loud and powerful that it needs no announcement at all. You just sit there and proclaim that it is the price you (your wife) has to pay for being with a real man.
That is all well and good but then there is that time between the shower and sex and that is when having gas is off limits. I refer to this time as "the crucible". I have no idea why I call it that so don't ask me. I don't even know what the fuck a crucible is. It just kind of sounds like a cool name. All I know is that is the one time of the day that I cannot afford to have gas. This isn't always that big a deal to be honest. Sometimes you just don't have to and things work out great. Unfortunately this is not always the case. Luckily there are some methods you can use to help deal with these moments.
The great news is that usually you don't have that large of a window of time to worry about. The best method for dealing with this problem is to simply have sex as soon as possible after finishing the shower. That way you can completely relax afterwards. Who cares if you blast her with gas so hard that she shoots out of the bed and gets smashed against the wall, you have at least gotten what you wanted for the night. Actually that is not cool and it might get you Travis Alexander'd if you are not careful. And if you lift a lot of weights then your wife will be able to convincingly say it was self defense. So its best not to give her a reason to shank you in your sleep.
Sometimes you can't just jump right in to the fun stuff. She might have to take a shower as well or maybe something is interesting on television or maybe you actually have to build up some interest. Women are not horses after all, sometimes it takes a little more than just mounting them to make things interesting. Seriously I should just shut the fuck up. I am too much of a damn Sagittarius and my mouth always gets me into trouble. Thankfully I am not really like this in my life. I am actually a very down to earth and mild mannered man who shows the utmost respect to his wife.
Actually that is not entirely true. I do show her the utmost respect, but I say just as outrageous things in real life as I do on this blog. Shock and awe baby! Okay so the scenario is you are gassy as hell and know that there will be a gap in time between showering and sex. One thing you can do is try to get your monies worth while showering. The great thing about a hot shower is that it quickly dissipates any smell. And believe me, if you eat a lot of egg whites there will be a really pungent smell. I have had the equivalent of over 50 egg whites in one day at times, and let me tell you that your gas will cease to smell like gas at some point throughout the day. Instead it will smell like sewage. This can work if you are outside because your wife will not even blame you for the smell because she will have no idea you can even have gas that smells like that. Obviously in the house though there is no way to play it off like there is a sewage back up. So have your gas in the shower. Rip away like there is no tomorrow. If you have one of those shower heads with a flex hose you can then get it down there and spray down your ass just to be on the safe side.
While that method can work sometimes it is not enough. Sometimes no matter what, you just have to have gas during the crucible. You have one of two choices here. You can just rip it out like a boss and resign yourself to a sexless night, or you can have ninja gas. This is a very tricky method and takes practice to perfect. Even a master like me still makes mistakes sometimes. The key to ninja gas is to clench your ass as tight as possible. Imagine like someone wants to assfuck you. I bet that fucker is air tight now. Now here is where the magic comes in. You have to ever so slightly "open the valve" but only barely. This requires a mastery of your ass muscles so don't be frustrated if you don't succeed at first. Once you have it partially open don't breath easy because that was the easy part. The hard part is that you have to release the gas. This is difficult because you have to apply just enough pressure for a very slow leak. There has to be absolutely no sound and little to no odor for this to work. That means just tiny amounts slowly leaking out over time.
The reason why this is so hard is because if you don't get the pressure right you will have a disaster on your hands. Imagine a water hose. What happens when you turn on the water pressure? It just kind of lazily comes out. Now use your thumb and partially cover the opening of the hose and turn the water pressure to full blast and what happens? That water shoots out with a powerful stream. With your ass clenched hard and only a partial opening you have created a potentially volatile situation. Apply too much pressure and you will have some of the most violently vibrating gas of your life. At that point don't even worry about having sex. Hell count yourself lucky that you just didn't shit your pants. There is no way any woman with any self respect will have sex with you after you blast her with that hurricane strength gas pressure. At the point just have as much gas as you want because you have ruined yourself for the night.
But if done right, no can defend. You have just had some crazy gas, but done it like a ninja and no one will be the wiser.
Well I have done my good deed for the day. Stay tuned for my next entry due tomorrow.
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