A lot of people wonder how I can manage to pull down a full time job, run a successful personal training business, and train for a couple of hours a day and still manage to live a life. Well actually, no one wonders. No one ever asks how I am doing. I don't think a single person in my family has ever called me, unless they needed something from me, since my dad died. Maybe once or twice they dialed my number on accident and had to wing it real quick, but for the most part no one calls me. When I am actually around Missy and see her sister, brother, cousins, and aunts all calling her just to talk I am in utter shock. Families actually do that? Hell, I can't even get a Facebook reply half the time.
And lets be honest, running a successful personal training business would be a very difficult thing. Luckily that is all in Missy's hands. I just write silly entries when I get inspiration and leave her to do all the leg work. And its not like we have some huge client base or anything. The truth is that the business is still in its tiniest seedling stage. If our business was a baby, well lets just say the parents have fucked and the egg is impregnated, but it still looks like a pinto bean.
But that is not going to stop me from posting up a typical day for me.
5:00 AM- Alarm goes off. If Missy is lucky I wake up. If she is unlucky, I hit a button and go back to sleep and the alarm goes off again in five minutes (this can sometimes keep repeating for a half hour). If she is really unlucky, I get up but hit the wrong button and leave my phone in the room. Then in five minutes it goes off but I am not there to stop it. And since I am such a heavy sleeper the alarm is set to as loud as it can go so one way or another her ass is waking up. She has insomnia at times and this is usually right around the time she has finally fallen into a deep sleep.
5:15 AM- I am not a morning person so I am usually moving pretty slow. Lucky, powerful and violent morning gas bursts propel me forward. It is kind of like nitrous for a car.
5:30 AM- I have my first meal. This tends to be egg whites with a few yolks plus some type of carb source. Because I am a jackass I tend to bang the pots and pans around so if Missy was lucky enough to have fallen back asleep, she is woken up again. I inevitably overcook my eggs every time and stink up the whole fucking house.
5:45 AM- I eat my first meal, drink some coffee, and answer emails. This is a really relaxing and easy part to my day since no one emails me.
6:00 AM- I listen to epic movie trailers on YouTube really loudly to psyche myself up for my work day.
6:15 AM- I leave for work.
6:20 AM- I make a beeline back to my house because I have to take a wicked shit.
6:40 AM- I leave my house again.
7:00 AM- I get to my office just in the nick of time. This usually involves weaving in and out of traffic and nearly running down half a dozen kids waiting on the bus.
7:00 AM - 7:30 AM - I get my paperwork at my office and people talk to me. I look at them, nod my head, and say, "No problem, I will get it done", even though I haven't heard a fucking word they said to me. I then head out to get my work day started.
8:00 AM- I stop at my normal Speedway spot. I have a terrible friend who is usually at the same spot at the same time every morning. We shoot the shit for a bit talking about our training and how much we hate our jobs. He is one of the few people I know in my private life that takes training as serious as I do. Because of that I try my best to give him bad advice because I want to be the best. Maybe that's why I don't have many friends???
8:30 AM - I have my second meal of the day. Usually some protein shake concoction for convenience.
8:30 AM - 11:30 AM- I actually get some work done.
11:30 AM- I come home to take my lunch. I live in my work area so that is perfectly fine. Missy usually has some lean meat and carb source ready for me or cooks some up real quick. Around ten minutes after I eat my food I get a raging boner and will generally knock one out since I am too dirty from work for anything else. This makes me tired and I will usually take a quick power nap to finish my lunch.
12:30 - 4:00 PM- Finish my work day. Have meal four. Talk myself out of committing suicide over depression from my job. I will usually have a Tourettes fit during that time as well.
4:00 PM - 5:00 PM- I come home and relax for a bit. Have a pre-workout drink or some coffee. I go over our training for the day and tweak some things if need be. If I missed the morning missile launch I may go during this time because the pre-workout drink.
5:00 PM - 7:00 PM - We train and then I do cardio.
7:00 PM- I recover from training and again answer emails. Again this is a very easy time of day because yet again, my inbox is empty. During this time my sister pocket dials me on accident. I can hear her in the background as she is driving her kids around. They pass by a homeless man and one of her daughter's say, "It's uncle Jason!", and they all have a good laugh while my sister adds in, "yeah what a loser he is." I am hoping she is talking about the homeless guy but I know deep down who she is talking about.
7:30 PM- I eat dinner. Again about ten minutes after this I get a nice rager. At this point I declare I am taking a shower so I can get something on the better side of a lunch time jack and nap.
*************CENSORED**********************'
10:00 PM- We watch some television shows at this point. Maybe play an Xbox game. On work nights I generally pass out around some point and time. This is the second time of day that I tend to blast some ass. Since I have been eating all day, this is much worse than earlier. This is the kind of gas that just sits there. Kind of like, "fuck you guys, I ain't going no where!" Sometimes it stays so long that the smell morphs from one horrid type to a different horrid type. Sometimes it is in pockets. So you might be okay sitting on one side of the room but say your phone is in the far corner and you go get it and bam, you get hit with the funk from a half hour ago.
Also at this time we usually get about ten calls in a row from our drunk sister. No voicemails, just call after call after call. Sometimes, on rare occasion, I will text my friend something crazy like, "do you believe in god?" or "You're thinking about my penis right now aren't you?" or who knows what. But for the most part I simply pass out.
That's a typical day for me.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Saturday, May 11, 2013
How to Attract the Opposite Sex Part 9
Well originally I was supposed to have written this entry back on the 7th. I wouldn't go as far to say that that statement was a lie, but it certainly did not end up being true. I had also said that this entry would be about specific exercises women should do to improve the all too important waist to hip ratio. You are going to find out that that statement is also not going to end up being true. At the time I said those two statements I did in fact believe them to be true, just somewhere along the way things kind of fell apart.
I am not sure I can pin point where things went wrong. I know that our training lately has been very intense and that has left me fairly drained most nights. The best of intentions can quickly be washed away once you plop down on the sofa after a very tough training session. On top of the training the grass has been growing like a wild fire. We have a decently sized yard and between the rain and warm weather the grass has been out of control. I have been doing my best to keep it mowed down. I knew in the middle of the week that the weather channel was calling for rain over the weekend and I couldn't afford to put mowing off any longer. It only takes a few days of build up and the grass will be too thick for my mower to handle.
Of course mowing on its own is not that big of a deal, but when you combine that with tough training it becomes a factor in not getting other things done. To finish things off my daily nine to five job (not that I work nine to five but you get the meaning) has been jumping off lately as well. Not only do I have to work a full time job but I am also putting in hours on our personal training business and gym. Okay, hours might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I certainly do devote a lot of my time to get these businesses up and running.
So things have taken longer than I would like. Since I don't get paid to make blog entries I don't have to give a flying fuck. Yet I do give a flying fuck. What the hell even is a flying fuck? Is it the word fuck flying through the air? Is it just referencing the act of fucking while flying in the air? I have no fucking idea to be honest but I would like to know one day. Back to my point, yes I do really care about getting these entries out. I hope that, despite their offbeat entertaining nature, people can get some tidbits of useful information out of them. At the very least I hope I can inspire a few people to look at things a bit differently than they did before.
So I think I have covered why I didn't full fill my promise of writing this entry on the 7th. Now as far as why I am not writing about the specific exercises that women can use to improve their all too important waist to hip ratio, well honestly I did kind of lie about that one. I never really intended to make this entry about that. Sure, at some point I will cover that topic but it will be brief and to the point. No offense but if you want details then you can email us and we can set up a consultation. I feel like it would be a disservice to just shill out information that may not apply to you, your history, your body type, and your lifestyle.
Lifestyle you ask? Well hell I don't know what I meant by that! Fuck it, I will give it a stab any ways. Say you are a straight woman but have bi-curious tendencies. Well then I would say that instead of doing 30 minutes of cardio in the morning just find a nice looking woman and go down on her for 30 minutes instead. That way you can satisfy your bi-curious ambitions while also getting a nice sweat going. Killing two birds with one stone. Not only are you meeting two goals but you are also practicing time management! That is what I am talking about when I say that not only do we train you to build a better body but we also train you to be a better you.
So if this entry is not going to be about specific exercises than what is it going to be about? Give me a damn minute and I will get to it. I am a Sagittarius, I can't just come right out and get to the point. I have to hear myself talk for a good half hour before I can even approach the point. Okay I think I have met that criteria now. I am quite a few paragraphs in. So without further adieu here is what this entry is going to be about.
This entry is going to be about the most important time in a man's life. This isn't an abstract concept like puberty, middle age, etc, but a specific time of day. That is the time between taking a shower at night and the time that you have sex with your wife. Obviously if you are not married than you are not dealing with this time of the day so you have a leg up on us married men. Though it does apply to men in long term relationships as well as married men. Why is this time so damn important? Because that is the one time of day that you can't afford to have gas, at least not if you want to get laid. Any woman worth a damn is not going to want something inside her that has just been lacquered with noxious gas.
Yes I know, you don't have gas right? Well if you are serious about training then that means you are going to be consuming a lot of protein. When you consume a lot of protein you have gas. Sorry, but its the way the world works. During the day this is no big deal. Usually you are off working or whatever so your wife won't even know you are doing it. Even when she is around you can still play it off as "protein gas" by announcing very loudly every time you have gas, "protein fart!" Sometimes though the gas is so loud and powerful that it needs no announcement at all. You just sit there and proclaim that it is the price you (your wife) has to pay for being with a real man.
That is all well and good but then there is that time between the shower and sex and that is when having gas is off limits. I refer to this time as "the crucible". I have no idea why I call it that so don't ask me. I don't even know what the fuck a crucible is. It just kind of sounds like a cool name. All I know is that is the one time of the day that I cannot afford to have gas. This isn't always that big a deal to be honest. Sometimes you just don't have to and things work out great. Unfortunately this is not always the case. Luckily there are some methods you can use to help deal with these moments.
The great news is that usually you don't have that large of a window of time to worry about. The best method for dealing with this problem is to simply have sex as soon as possible after finishing the shower. That way you can completely relax afterwards. Who cares if you blast her with gas so hard that she shoots out of the bed and gets smashed against the wall, you have at least gotten what you wanted for the night. Actually that is not cool and it might get you Travis Alexander'd if you are not careful. And if you lift a lot of weights then your wife will be able to convincingly say it was self defense. So its best not to give her a reason to shank you in your sleep.
Sometimes you can't just jump right in to the fun stuff. She might have to take a shower as well or maybe something is interesting on television or maybe you actually have to build up some interest. Women are not horses after all, sometimes it takes a little more than just mounting them to make things interesting. Seriously I should just shut the fuck up. I am too much of a damn Sagittarius and my mouth always gets me into trouble. Thankfully I am not really like this in my life. I am actually a very down to earth and mild mannered man who shows the utmost respect to his wife.
Actually that is not entirely true. I do show her the utmost respect, but I say just as outrageous things in real life as I do on this blog. Shock and awe baby! Okay so the scenario is you are gassy as hell and know that there will be a gap in time between showering and sex. One thing you can do is try to get your monies worth while showering. The great thing about a hot shower is that it quickly dissipates any smell. And believe me, if you eat a lot of egg whites there will be a really pungent smell. I have had the equivalent of over 50 egg whites in one day at times, and let me tell you that your gas will cease to smell like gas at some point throughout the day. Instead it will smell like sewage. This can work if you are outside because your wife will not even blame you for the smell because she will have no idea you can even have gas that smells like that. Obviously in the house though there is no way to play it off like there is a sewage back up. So have your gas in the shower. Rip away like there is no tomorrow. If you have one of those shower heads with a flex hose you can then get it down there and spray down your ass just to be on the safe side.
While that method can work sometimes it is not enough. Sometimes no matter what, you just have to have gas during the crucible. You have one of two choices here. You can just rip it out like a boss and resign yourself to a sexless night, or you can have ninja gas. This is a very tricky method and takes practice to perfect. Even a master like me still makes mistakes sometimes. The key to ninja gas is to clench your ass as tight as possible. Imagine like someone wants to assfuck you. I bet that fucker is air tight now. Now here is where the magic comes in. You have to ever so slightly "open the valve" but only barely. This requires a mastery of your ass muscles so don't be frustrated if you don't succeed at first. Once you have it partially open don't breath easy because that was the easy part. The hard part is that you have to release the gas. This is difficult because you have to apply just enough pressure for a very slow leak. There has to be absolutely no sound and little to no odor for this to work. That means just tiny amounts slowly leaking out over time.
The reason why this is so hard is because if you don't get the pressure right you will have a disaster on your hands. Imagine a water hose. What happens when you turn on the water pressure? It just kind of lazily comes out. Now use your thumb and partially cover the opening of the hose and turn the water pressure to full blast and what happens? That water shoots out with a powerful stream. With your ass clenched hard and only a partial opening you have created a potentially volatile situation. Apply too much pressure and you will have some of the most violently vibrating gas of your life. At that point don't even worry about having sex. Hell count yourself lucky that you just didn't shit your pants. There is no way any woman with any self respect will have sex with you after you blast her with that hurricane strength gas pressure. At the point just have as much gas as you want because you have ruined yourself for the night.
But if done right, no can defend. You have just had some crazy gas, but done it like a ninja and no one will be the wiser.
Well I have done my good deed for the day. Stay tuned for my next entry due tomorrow.
I am not sure I can pin point where things went wrong. I know that our training lately has been very intense and that has left me fairly drained most nights. The best of intentions can quickly be washed away once you plop down on the sofa after a very tough training session. On top of the training the grass has been growing like a wild fire. We have a decently sized yard and between the rain and warm weather the grass has been out of control. I have been doing my best to keep it mowed down. I knew in the middle of the week that the weather channel was calling for rain over the weekend and I couldn't afford to put mowing off any longer. It only takes a few days of build up and the grass will be too thick for my mower to handle.
Of course mowing on its own is not that big of a deal, but when you combine that with tough training it becomes a factor in not getting other things done. To finish things off my daily nine to five job (not that I work nine to five but you get the meaning) has been jumping off lately as well. Not only do I have to work a full time job but I am also putting in hours on our personal training business and gym. Okay, hours might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I certainly do devote a lot of my time to get these businesses up and running.
So things have taken longer than I would like. Since I don't get paid to make blog entries I don't have to give a flying fuck. Yet I do give a flying fuck. What the hell even is a flying fuck? Is it the word fuck flying through the air? Is it just referencing the act of fucking while flying in the air? I have no fucking idea to be honest but I would like to know one day. Back to my point, yes I do really care about getting these entries out. I hope that, despite their offbeat entertaining nature, people can get some tidbits of useful information out of them. At the very least I hope I can inspire a few people to look at things a bit differently than they did before.
So I think I have covered why I didn't full fill my promise of writing this entry on the 7th. Now as far as why I am not writing about the specific exercises that women can use to improve their all too important waist to hip ratio, well honestly I did kind of lie about that one. I never really intended to make this entry about that. Sure, at some point I will cover that topic but it will be brief and to the point. No offense but if you want details then you can email us and we can set up a consultation. I feel like it would be a disservice to just shill out information that may not apply to you, your history, your body type, and your lifestyle.
Lifestyle you ask? Well hell I don't know what I meant by that! Fuck it, I will give it a stab any ways. Say you are a straight woman but have bi-curious tendencies. Well then I would say that instead of doing 30 minutes of cardio in the morning just find a nice looking woman and go down on her for 30 minutes instead. That way you can satisfy your bi-curious ambitions while also getting a nice sweat going. Killing two birds with one stone. Not only are you meeting two goals but you are also practicing time management! That is what I am talking about when I say that not only do we train you to build a better body but we also train you to be a better you.
So if this entry is not going to be about specific exercises than what is it going to be about? Give me a damn minute and I will get to it. I am a Sagittarius, I can't just come right out and get to the point. I have to hear myself talk for a good half hour before I can even approach the point. Okay I think I have met that criteria now. I am quite a few paragraphs in. So without further adieu here is what this entry is going to be about.
This entry is going to be about the most important time in a man's life. This isn't an abstract concept like puberty, middle age, etc, but a specific time of day. That is the time between taking a shower at night and the time that you have sex with your wife. Obviously if you are not married than you are not dealing with this time of the day so you have a leg up on us married men. Though it does apply to men in long term relationships as well as married men. Why is this time so damn important? Because that is the one time of day that you can't afford to have gas, at least not if you want to get laid. Any woman worth a damn is not going to want something inside her that has just been lacquered with noxious gas.
Yes I know, you don't have gas right? Well if you are serious about training then that means you are going to be consuming a lot of protein. When you consume a lot of protein you have gas. Sorry, but its the way the world works. During the day this is no big deal. Usually you are off working or whatever so your wife won't even know you are doing it. Even when she is around you can still play it off as "protein gas" by announcing very loudly every time you have gas, "protein fart!" Sometimes though the gas is so loud and powerful that it needs no announcement at all. You just sit there and proclaim that it is the price you (your wife) has to pay for being with a real man.
That is all well and good but then there is that time between the shower and sex and that is when having gas is off limits. I refer to this time as "the crucible". I have no idea why I call it that so don't ask me. I don't even know what the fuck a crucible is. It just kind of sounds like a cool name. All I know is that is the one time of the day that I cannot afford to have gas. This isn't always that big a deal to be honest. Sometimes you just don't have to and things work out great. Unfortunately this is not always the case. Luckily there are some methods you can use to help deal with these moments.
The great news is that usually you don't have that large of a window of time to worry about. The best method for dealing with this problem is to simply have sex as soon as possible after finishing the shower. That way you can completely relax afterwards. Who cares if you blast her with gas so hard that she shoots out of the bed and gets smashed against the wall, you have at least gotten what you wanted for the night. Actually that is not cool and it might get you Travis Alexander'd if you are not careful. And if you lift a lot of weights then your wife will be able to convincingly say it was self defense. So its best not to give her a reason to shank you in your sleep.
Sometimes you can't just jump right in to the fun stuff. She might have to take a shower as well or maybe something is interesting on television or maybe you actually have to build up some interest. Women are not horses after all, sometimes it takes a little more than just mounting them to make things interesting. Seriously I should just shut the fuck up. I am too much of a damn Sagittarius and my mouth always gets me into trouble. Thankfully I am not really like this in my life. I am actually a very down to earth and mild mannered man who shows the utmost respect to his wife.
Actually that is not entirely true. I do show her the utmost respect, but I say just as outrageous things in real life as I do on this blog. Shock and awe baby! Okay so the scenario is you are gassy as hell and know that there will be a gap in time between showering and sex. One thing you can do is try to get your monies worth while showering. The great thing about a hot shower is that it quickly dissipates any smell. And believe me, if you eat a lot of egg whites there will be a really pungent smell. I have had the equivalent of over 50 egg whites in one day at times, and let me tell you that your gas will cease to smell like gas at some point throughout the day. Instead it will smell like sewage. This can work if you are outside because your wife will not even blame you for the smell because she will have no idea you can even have gas that smells like that. Obviously in the house though there is no way to play it off like there is a sewage back up. So have your gas in the shower. Rip away like there is no tomorrow. If you have one of those shower heads with a flex hose you can then get it down there and spray down your ass just to be on the safe side.
While that method can work sometimes it is not enough. Sometimes no matter what, you just have to have gas during the crucible. You have one of two choices here. You can just rip it out like a boss and resign yourself to a sexless night, or you can have ninja gas. This is a very tricky method and takes practice to perfect. Even a master like me still makes mistakes sometimes. The key to ninja gas is to clench your ass as tight as possible. Imagine like someone wants to assfuck you. I bet that fucker is air tight now. Now here is where the magic comes in. You have to ever so slightly "open the valve" but only barely. This requires a mastery of your ass muscles so don't be frustrated if you don't succeed at first. Once you have it partially open don't breath easy because that was the easy part. The hard part is that you have to release the gas. This is difficult because you have to apply just enough pressure for a very slow leak. There has to be absolutely no sound and little to no odor for this to work. That means just tiny amounts slowly leaking out over time.
The reason why this is so hard is because if you don't get the pressure right you will have a disaster on your hands. Imagine a water hose. What happens when you turn on the water pressure? It just kind of lazily comes out. Now use your thumb and partially cover the opening of the hose and turn the water pressure to full blast and what happens? That water shoots out with a powerful stream. With your ass clenched hard and only a partial opening you have created a potentially volatile situation. Apply too much pressure and you will have some of the most violently vibrating gas of your life. At that point don't even worry about having sex. Hell count yourself lucky that you just didn't shit your pants. There is no way any woman with any self respect will have sex with you after you blast her with that hurricane strength gas pressure. At the point just have as much gas as you want because you have ruined yourself for the night.
But if done right, no can defend. You have just had some crazy gas, but done it like a ninja and no one will be the wiser.
Well I have done my good deed for the day. Stay tuned for my next entry due tomorrow.
Monday, May 6, 2013
How to Effectively Train the Back
I am taking another small break from my, 'How To Attract the Opposite Sex' series to go over effective back training. I feel this is a very important topic. If you don't believe me, take a look around the gym next time you are there. One glaring thing you will notice is an almost complete lack of back development. You will see plenty of decent chests and biceps, maybe even some nice shoulders and in rare occasions, even some quads and triceps, but rarely if ever will you see a decently developed back.
A lot of people try to explain this away. They say that since the back is behind you that people simply just do not put much emphasis on it, kind of like the hamstrings and calves. Actually, I see a lot of people working the calves but I think that is because it is such an easy thing to do. Much like training the traps, the calves require a tiny range or motion and people can use a huge amount of weight. I crack up seeing guys heave up 400 + pound shrugs but they cannot even deadlift 315. The same goes for goes working the whole stack on a calf raise machine but then cannot even squat 225 to proper depth. Of course! The squat and deadlift are the two hardest exercises to perform. They require a level of muscular activation that far exceeds all the other lifts. Most people simply don't do them.
If you look around the gym you usually find that most people use lat pulldowns, dumbbell rows, and maybe t-bar rows to build their backs up. While these three lifts are great for building a nice back they are just the beginning of a good back program, not the end. I am sorry but I have never seen anyone with a great back who does not deadlift and do bent over barbell rows with very heavy weights. In bodybuilding there are three men who stand out to me as having amazing backs. They are Dorian Yates, Ronnie Coleman, and Franco Columbo. They are all three did very heavy bent rows and could deadlift some huge weights. To be fair, Dorian did his deadlifts at the end of his back training so he wouldn't have to go extremely heavy, but both Franco and Ronnie wear known for having huge deadlifts. I believe Franco pulled 700+ pounds at a bodyweight of around 170 lbs. and Ronnie Coleman has done 800+ pound deadlifts for reps. There is an obvious correlation to a well developed back and a big focus on heavy deadlifts and bent over rows. \
This doesn't mean that all you need are those two lifts to develop a great back. The back is a large area that encompasses several different distinct areas. Here is a (very) basic diagram of the muscle groups that make up the back.
As you can see, the back is a very complex grouping of muscles. To develop a great back program you have to make sure to fully develop the lower, middle, and upper portions of the back. Sometimes all three regions will be trained together on the same day, and sometimes they will be broken up and trained with other body parts.
The region generally referred to as the lower back is the erector spinae (spinal erectors). When these muscles are fully developed and you have a low body fat percentage they will appear to look like a Christmas tree. This region is most often trained with deadlifts (all varieties), good mornings, and back raises. As you can see there is some overlap between the lower and middle back regions, so lifts that target one area will generally hit the other area to some degree as well. If I train my hamstrings and quads together on the same day I will train my lower back along with the middle back. If I train my hamstrings and quads on separate days I will train the low back with the hamstrings. This is because most of the lifts that target the hamstrings (stiff leg deadlifts, romanian deadlifts, good mornings, back raises, and pullthroughs) all hit the lower back really hard as well. Basically any motion that makes you bend over at the waist will use the hamstrings, glutes, and lower back to straighten back up. When using very heavy weights your body will naturally use the muscles that are strongest to perform the lift. If using lighter weights you can have better control over which of the muscles does the majority of the work during the lift. If I am doing stiff leg deadlifts for my hamstrings I make sure to squeeze the hamstrings hard and do not worry about locking out the lift where the glutes and low back are working the hardest.
The region of the middle back is largely dominated by the latissimus dorsi (the lats, wings). These are the largest muscle group of the back and play a role in most lifts to one degree or another. The lats are best hit with pulldowns of all varieties, all varieties of chins, rows of all types, and pullover movements. Most exericses that work the lats will also work the biceps and upper back as well. Depending on my training split, I will sometimes train my biceps on the sameday that I train my lats because of this overlap. To better hit the lats during pulldowns and chin ups it is better to utilize a closer grip. The wide grip versions of those exercises stress the upper back more than the middle back. With bent over rows you should be bringing the bar into your waist line and not pulling straight up into your chest. Pullovers, especially performed with a cable or machine are really the only way to isolate your lats so I always through them into my training. One important thing to remember when doing pulldowns is to focus on pulling from the back of your elbows and not your hands. You should think of your hands and forearms simply as hooks. This stresses the lats more and puts less stress on the biceps. As far as overhand or underhand grips, I say use both. I mostly perform close grip pulldowns with an underhand grip and wide grip pulldowns with an overhand grip.
The upper back is comprised of many smaller muscles. The rhomboids, teres major and minor, infraspinatus, trapezius, and postier deltoid head all make up the upper back region. The majority of trainees work their rear deltoids along with the rest of their delts. Traps are generally viewed as a separate muscle group as well. This leads some people to training their upper back and traps along with their shoulders. Others will train their shoulders on back day because of the overlap. I usually just train my back all to itself and know that there will be some overlap. The truth is there is always going to be overlap whenever you train a muscle. The back comes into play with every lift. Even while bench pressing you utilize your lats heavily. The lats are how you unrack the bar and set it in place over your chest. Your lats also control the descent of the bar and play a small roll in at the bottom of the lift. Pulldowns, chins, shrugs, rows, cleans, and bent over lateral raises all hit the upper back. With pulldowns and chins, taking a wider grip will put more stress upon the upper back. With rows (whether seated or standing bent over) bringing the bar up to the chest region rather than the waistline will also stress the upper back.
Shrugs are probably one of the most overused exercises in the gym. Because it has an extremely limited range of motion and you can use very heavy weights, every douche in the gym does them. And they generally use so much body heaving it is actually more of a half assed 1/12th deadlift than a shrug even. People love easy lifts. That is why you see hardly any bent over rows and deadlifts but tons of pulldowns and shrugs. Don't fall into this trap. Do the things that you dread because those are the things that will make you better. I am not saying to ignore shrugs, just keep them relegated to small part of your training. Trap development is largely determined by your genetics due to insertion points and muscle bellly size. I naturally have big traps so I do not directly train them. If you lack back development and focus on your traps too much it will make you look narrow and ruin your sense of symmetry and completely fuck up your v-taper. If you have been following my How to Attract the Opposite Sex series then you know that the v-taper is all too critical for women to find men attractive. So blasting away those shrugs might attract some dorks at the gym but while you are busy doing that men like me who deadlift and do heavy bent rows are sleeping with beautiful women (in my case my wife). Damn that hurts doesn't it. Ouch!
So don't be douche. Do you shrugs but when you want to load up the plates make sure it is for deadlifts and rows and not shrugs.
So in review-
1. The back can be broken down into three main regions, the lower, middle, and upper back.
2. Hit the lower back with deadlifts and back raises.
3. Hit the middle back with close grip chins and pulldowns, pullovers, and with heavy rows pulled to the waist.
4. Hit the upper back with wide grip chins and rows along with rows to the chest. Add in some shrugs if your traps are lacking in size.
5. You can train your back all on the same day or break up the three regions and train them with other muscle groups.
Here is a sample of my back training from the other day.
Straight Arm Cable Pullovers- 5 x 10-12 reps
Wide Grip Pulldowns- 4 x 8-12 reps.
Bent Over Barbell Rows- 4 x 6-12 reps*
Close Grip Pulldowns- 4 x 8-12 reps
T-bar Rows- 4 x 6-12 reps*
Seated Rows using the Triceps Rope- 4 x 10-12 reps
Back Raises- 4 sets of 10 reps
* On both of these lifts I worked up to the heaviest weight I could handle for 6-8 rep range. I do deadlifts every other week rather than every week because of how taxing it is.
As you can see we hit our backs from top to bottom. This might seem like a lot of volume but as I said the back is a very large and diverse area so it requires more exercises than say the chest to properly hit it.
A lot of people try to explain this away. They say that since the back is behind you that people simply just do not put much emphasis on it, kind of like the hamstrings and calves. Actually, I see a lot of people working the calves but I think that is because it is such an easy thing to do. Much like training the traps, the calves require a tiny range or motion and people can use a huge amount of weight. I crack up seeing guys heave up 400 + pound shrugs but they cannot even deadlift 315. The same goes for goes working the whole stack on a calf raise machine but then cannot even squat 225 to proper depth. Of course! The squat and deadlift are the two hardest exercises to perform. They require a level of muscular activation that far exceeds all the other lifts. Most people simply don't do them.
If you look around the gym you usually find that most people use lat pulldowns, dumbbell rows, and maybe t-bar rows to build their backs up. While these three lifts are great for building a nice back they are just the beginning of a good back program, not the end. I am sorry but I have never seen anyone with a great back who does not deadlift and do bent over barbell rows with very heavy weights. In bodybuilding there are three men who stand out to me as having amazing backs. They are Dorian Yates, Ronnie Coleman, and Franco Columbo. They are all three did very heavy bent rows and could deadlift some huge weights. To be fair, Dorian did his deadlifts at the end of his back training so he wouldn't have to go extremely heavy, but both Franco and Ronnie wear known for having huge deadlifts. I believe Franco pulled 700+ pounds at a bodyweight of around 170 lbs. and Ronnie Coleman has done 800+ pound deadlifts for reps. There is an obvious correlation to a well developed back and a big focus on heavy deadlifts and bent over rows. \
This doesn't mean that all you need are those two lifts to develop a great back. The back is a large area that encompasses several different distinct areas. Here is a (very) basic diagram of the muscle groups that make up the back.
The region generally referred to as the lower back is the erector spinae (spinal erectors). When these muscles are fully developed and you have a low body fat percentage they will appear to look like a Christmas tree. This region is most often trained with deadlifts (all varieties), good mornings, and back raises. As you can see there is some overlap between the lower and middle back regions, so lifts that target one area will generally hit the other area to some degree as well. If I train my hamstrings and quads together on the same day I will train my lower back along with the middle back. If I train my hamstrings and quads on separate days I will train the low back with the hamstrings. This is because most of the lifts that target the hamstrings (stiff leg deadlifts, romanian deadlifts, good mornings, back raises, and pullthroughs) all hit the lower back really hard as well. Basically any motion that makes you bend over at the waist will use the hamstrings, glutes, and lower back to straighten back up. When using very heavy weights your body will naturally use the muscles that are strongest to perform the lift. If using lighter weights you can have better control over which of the muscles does the majority of the work during the lift. If I am doing stiff leg deadlifts for my hamstrings I make sure to squeeze the hamstrings hard and do not worry about locking out the lift where the glutes and low back are working the hardest.
The region of the middle back is largely dominated by the latissimus dorsi (the lats, wings). These are the largest muscle group of the back and play a role in most lifts to one degree or another. The lats are best hit with pulldowns of all varieties, all varieties of chins, rows of all types, and pullover movements. Most exericses that work the lats will also work the biceps and upper back as well. Depending on my training split, I will sometimes train my biceps on the sameday that I train my lats because of this overlap. To better hit the lats during pulldowns and chin ups it is better to utilize a closer grip. The wide grip versions of those exercises stress the upper back more than the middle back. With bent over rows you should be bringing the bar into your waist line and not pulling straight up into your chest. Pullovers, especially performed with a cable or machine are really the only way to isolate your lats so I always through them into my training. One important thing to remember when doing pulldowns is to focus on pulling from the back of your elbows and not your hands. You should think of your hands and forearms simply as hooks. This stresses the lats more and puts less stress on the biceps. As far as overhand or underhand grips, I say use both. I mostly perform close grip pulldowns with an underhand grip and wide grip pulldowns with an overhand grip.
The upper back is comprised of many smaller muscles. The rhomboids, teres major and minor, infraspinatus, trapezius, and postier deltoid head all make up the upper back region. The majority of trainees work their rear deltoids along with the rest of their delts. Traps are generally viewed as a separate muscle group as well. This leads some people to training their upper back and traps along with their shoulders. Others will train their shoulders on back day because of the overlap. I usually just train my back all to itself and know that there will be some overlap. The truth is there is always going to be overlap whenever you train a muscle. The back comes into play with every lift. Even while bench pressing you utilize your lats heavily. The lats are how you unrack the bar and set it in place over your chest. Your lats also control the descent of the bar and play a small roll in at the bottom of the lift. Pulldowns, chins, shrugs, rows, cleans, and bent over lateral raises all hit the upper back. With pulldowns and chins, taking a wider grip will put more stress upon the upper back. With rows (whether seated or standing bent over) bringing the bar up to the chest region rather than the waistline will also stress the upper back.
Shrugs are probably one of the most overused exercises in the gym. Because it has an extremely limited range of motion and you can use very heavy weights, every douche in the gym does them. And they generally use so much body heaving it is actually more of a half assed 1/12th deadlift than a shrug even. People love easy lifts. That is why you see hardly any bent over rows and deadlifts but tons of pulldowns and shrugs. Don't fall into this trap. Do the things that you dread because those are the things that will make you better. I am not saying to ignore shrugs, just keep them relegated to small part of your training. Trap development is largely determined by your genetics due to insertion points and muscle bellly size. I naturally have big traps so I do not directly train them. If you lack back development and focus on your traps too much it will make you look narrow and ruin your sense of symmetry and completely fuck up your v-taper. If you have been following my How to Attract the Opposite Sex series then you know that the v-taper is all too critical for women to find men attractive. So blasting away those shrugs might attract some dorks at the gym but while you are busy doing that men like me who deadlift and do heavy bent rows are sleeping with beautiful women (in my case my wife). Damn that hurts doesn't it. Ouch!
So don't be douche. Do you shrugs but when you want to load up the plates make sure it is for deadlifts and rows and not shrugs.
So in review-
1. The back can be broken down into three main regions, the lower, middle, and upper back.
2. Hit the lower back with deadlifts and back raises.
3. Hit the middle back with close grip chins and pulldowns, pullovers, and with heavy rows pulled to the waist.
4. Hit the upper back with wide grip chins and rows along with rows to the chest. Add in some shrugs if your traps are lacking in size.
5. You can train your back all on the same day or break up the three regions and train them with other muscle groups.
Here is a sample of my back training from the other day.
Straight Arm Cable Pullovers- 5 x 10-12 reps
Wide Grip Pulldowns- 4 x 8-12 reps.
Bent Over Barbell Rows- 4 x 6-12 reps*
Close Grip Pulldowns- 4 x 8-12 reps
T-bar Rows- 4 x 6-12 reps*
Seated Rows using the Triceps Rope- 4 x 10-12 reps
Back Raises- 4 sets of 10 reps
* On both of these lifts I worked up to the heaviest weight I could handle for 6-8 rep range. I do deadlifts every other week rather than every week because of how taxing it is.
As you can see we hit our backs from top to bottom. This might seem like a lot of volume but as I said the back is a very large and diverse area so it requires more exercises than say the chest to properly hit it.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
How to Attract the Opposite Sex Part 8
I think that I need to clear some things up before I proceed. Over the course of this series I may have used some terms that could be deemed as offensive towards our target audience. My use of words like fat, fatty, fat ass should be kept in context. I am certainly not trying to belittle or insult anyone. I use words like that as a term of endearment. I often refer to myself as a big fat ass, a fat bastard, and a magnificent bastard. When I use those terms to describe myself I am not doing it with malice but rather with cuteness.
I often call my wife a "Crazy Fucking Mexican". She is neither crazy nor a Mexican, at least as far as I know. I just love the way the words roll off my tongue. She often responds by calling me a gypsy because I tan quite easily. She also calls me a slob when she walks into the bathroom and steps into a puddle of my urine. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why I would rim the toilet when taking a piss but we recently figured it out. I attempt to sign my name every time I go piss. The cursive form of the letter "J" makes my stream go wide. Often I hit the edge of the toilet bowl and it ricochets off the side and onto the floor. I am not sure why this bothers her. Check it out, I took a mundane task like going to the bathroom and turned it into an adventure. Now every time she goes in the bathroom she has to nimbly dodge my little puddles. Sometimes she makes it and sometimes she has a wet sock when she is done. Hey women like surprises right?
It has also been brought to my attention that I might have offended some people when I listed what men and women find most attractive in the opposite sex. In regards to this I have to emphatically and positively say take your offense and shove it up your ass. No I am just kidding. No, but really, go fuck yourself. Why am I being so harsh? Because I did nothing wrong. I stated at the beginning of both entries that these were not my personal opinions. Nor were they the opinions of people I know. Everything I listed was based upon peer reviewed research. Even then I refused to list multiple things that I thought might be offensive to people. The only things I went into any details about were things that we have some sort of control over in a non-surgical manner.
I flat out said that one of the biggest factors in determining how attractive a woman would rate a man is the chest/shoulder to waist ratio. I also stated that I do not possess big broad shoulders naturally and that I easily carry fat around my waist. Part of this is out of my control, it is the structure that I was born with. The part in my control, eliminating body fat and developing the rear and side deltoids, are things that I actively work on to improve my physique. Sure I could dwell on having not been dealt the best genetics but that will get me no where. Instead I work my ass off to be the best version of me that I can be.
If anything I said hurt your feelings, instead of being angry at me do something about it. No I am not saying kick my ass. Lord knows I don't want a bunch of fat women out to get me. What I mean is, make a real effort to change the things about you that you don't like. I am not saying you have to change anything though. There are people who have all different tastes. Some people like pizza and others burritos. Some people love both! I know some men who love women that are rail thin and look like preteen boys. I know other men who love women who are quite a bit overweight. Some men I know love everything in between.
If you are overweight, happy with yourself, and content with your body image then by all means I am happy for you. I really mean that. It is not for anyone else to decide how you should look. While there are health concerns with being grossly overweight, there are plenty of average sized people who have health issues as well. But if you suffer from depression, lack of confidence, and/or low self esteem because of your physique then you damn sure better get off your butt and do something about it. If you are unsure what to do then drop us an email. We offer plenty of advice for free. We also offer the best prices you will find on in depth personal training, along with a private training facility for you to train at to help meet your goals.
My business partner, my wife Missy, will soon be writing articles on this blog as well to add a woman's perspective. She has helped me build this business from the ground up. At the present time we are still at the tiniest little seedling stage but have already accomplished so much. She remains my voice of reason, keeping my crazier ideas at bay. Luckily for me she is a very tolerant person.
Seriously I am really fucking lucky she is forgiving. I remember one time my balls were really sweaty. As a young man I never had to deal with that issue. My wife loves to remind me that I am not a spring chicken anymore. I can shower in the morning but give me 9 hours of working outside and my balls get a nice musky funk going on. Anyways, this time I am thinking about my balls were really sweaty and moist. My first thing was to slyly work a hand down there and do a quick finger swipe of the region. When I knew she wasn't looking I then did a sniff check on the finger. This step is very important. There is no sense is wiping down the balls if that musky smell is too overwhelming. At that point you simply have no choice but to take a shower.
Luckily this time my ball odor was in check. Just a slight hint of musk along with a tiny aroma of some hickory farms smoked sausage. Not too bad. So at this point I knew I didn't have to hit the shower quite yet. So I figured I would just do a good wipe down. I went to the kitchen to grab a wad of paper towels and it turned out Missy was in there getting a drink of juice. I grabbed the paper towels and took 'the stance'. Legs out wide and crouched down a bit. Imagine if you will, riding an imaginary horse. I then dropped my shorts enough to release the goods. With my right hand full of paper towels I went down there and began swiping up and down. This wasn't a subtle movement mind you. Rather I was jerking my entire upper body up and down as I got an intense wipe/scratch. As my balls flopped back and forth Missy blurted out "Honey!!" with a shocked look on her face. To be honest I was so in the zone I didn't even fucking hear her. I just kept on furiously wiping up and down like a man possessed. Then she screamed out "HONEY!!!!!!"
Finally it dawned on me what I was doing. In the middle of her kitchen I was flopping my balls all over the place. Why on Earth this seemed like an okay thing for me to do I will never know. Seriously what kind of fucking thought process could lead me to such an action. She probably should of ran for the hills at that point. Mind you this was before she married me. So she is that much of a kind and forgiving person that she overlooked that incident and still said I do.
So I am very much looking forward to adding her content to this blog. She has made fantastic progress in her training in the last year and a half. She is kind of like Darth Vader. She was but the learner but now she is the master. She keeps pace with me and has slogged through all of these insane training sessions we do day in and day out. Along the way she has picked up so much knowledge and expertise that I know will shine through in her articles.
Thankfully she is sleeping right now because I just ripped some nasty ass. I hope it dissipates soon but I am worried it might linger around. like that uncle who stays later than everyone else at a family gathering. If you want to be a powerlifter or bodybuilder than you will need to learn how to rip some stealth ass. The high protein diet we consume means it can be rather foul so you have to learn how to manage it properly. I prefer to hold back until we are in a public place like a grocery store and then let loose. That way I can blame it on other people and even act very offended that they would do such a thing. Just be forewarned that that tactic can sometimes bite you in the ass (pun intended). If it is a lingerer then eventually your significant other will catch on that the smell is following you guys.
Well I think I am going to wrap up this entry. Next entry I am going to focus on specific exercises for women to improve their all too important waist to hip ratio.
I often call my wife a "Crazy Fucking Mexican". She is neither crazy nor a Mexican, at least as far as I know. I just love the way the words roll off my tongue. She often responds by calling me a gypsy because I tan quite easily. She also calls me a slob when she walks into the bathroom and steps into a puddle of my urine. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why I would rim the toilet when taking a piss but we recently figured it out. I attempt to sign my name every time I go piss. The cursive form of the letter "J" makes my stream go wide. Often I hit the edge of the toilet bowl and it ricochets off the side and onto the floor. I am not sure why this bothers her. Check it out, I took a mundane task like going to the bathroom and turned it into an adventure. Now every time she goes in the bathroom she has to nimbly dodge my little puddles. Sometimes she makes it and sometimes she has a wet sock when she is done. Hey women like surprises right?
It has also been brought to my attention that I might have offended some people when I listed what men and women find most attractive in the opposite sex. In regards to this I have to emphatically and positively say take your offense and shove it up your ass. No I am just kidding. No, but really, go fuck yourself. Why am I being so harsh? Because I did nothing wrong. I stated at the beginning of both entries that these were not my personal opinions. Nor were they the opinions of people I know. Everything I listed was based upon peer reviewed research. Even then I refused to list multiple things that I thought might be offensive to people. The only things I went into any details about were things that we have some sort of control over in a non-surgical manner.
I flat out said that one of the biggest factors in determining how attractive a woman would rate a man is the chest/shoulder to waist ratio. I also stated that I do not possess big broad shoulders naturally and that I easily carry fat around my waist. Part of this is out of my control, it is the structure that I was born with. The part in my control, eliminating body fat and developing the rear and side deltoids, are things that I actively work on to improve my physique. Sure I could dwell on having not been dealt the best genetics but that will get me no where. Instead I work my ass off to be the best version of me that I can be.
If anything I said hurt your feelings, instead of being angry at me do something about it. No I am not saying kick my ass. Lord knows I don't want a bunch of fat women out to get me. What I mean is, make a real effort to change the things about you that you don't like. I am not saying you have to change anything though. There are people who have all different tastes. Some people like pizza and others burritos. Some people love both! I know some men who love women that are rail thin and look like preteen boys. I know other men who love women who are quite a bit overweight. Some men I know love everything in between.
If you are overweight, happy with yourself, and content with your body image then by all means I am happy for you. I really mean that. It is not for anyone else to decide how you should look. While there are health concerns with being grossly overweight, there are plenty of average sized people who have health issues as well. But if you suffer from depression, lack of confidence, and/or low self esteem because of your physique then you damn sure better get off your butt and do something about it. If you are unsure what to do then drop us an email. We offer plenty of advice for free. We also offer the best prices you will find on in depth personal training, along with a private training facility for you to train at to help meet your goals.
My business partner, my wife Missy, will soon be writing articles on this blog as well to add a woman's perspective. She has helped me build this business from the ground up. At the present time we are still at the tiniest little seedling stage but have already accomplished so much. She remains my voice of reason, keeping my crazier ideas at bay. Luckily for me she is a very tolerant person.
Seriously I am really fucking lucky she is forgiving. I remember one time my balls were really sweaty. As a young man I never had to deal with that issue. My wife loves to remind me that I am not a spring chicken anymore. I can shower in the morning but give me 9 hours of working outside and my balls get a nice musky funk going on. Anyways, this time I am thinking about my balls were really sweaty and moist. My first thing was to slyly work a hand down there and do a quick finger swipe of the region. When I knew she wasn't looking I then did a sniff check on the finger. This step is very important. There is no sense is wiping down the balls if that musky smell is too overwhelming. At that point you simply have no choice but to take a shower.
Luckily this time my ball odor was in check. Just a slight hint of musk along with a tiny aroma of some hickory farms smoked sausage. Not too bad. So at this point I knew I didn't have to hit the shower quite yet. So I figured I would just do a good wipe down. I went to the kitchen to grab a wad of paper towels and it turned out Missy was in there getting a drink of juice. I grabbed the paper towels and took 'the stance'. Legs out wide and crouched down a bit. Imagine if you will, riding an imaginary horse. I then dropped my shorts enough to release the goods. With my right hand full of paper towels I went down there and began swiping up and down. This wasn't a subtle movement mind you. Rather I was jerking my entire upper body up and down as I got an intense wipe/scratch. As my balls flopped back and forth Missy blurted out "Honey!!" with a shocked look on her face. To be honest I was so in the zone I didn't even fucking hear her. I just kept on furiously wiping up and down like a man possessed. Then she screamed out "HONEY!!!!!!"
Finally it dawned on me what I was doing. In the middle of her kitchen I was flopping my balls all over the place. Why on Earth this seemed like an okay thing for me to do I will never know. Seriously what kind of fucking thought process could lead me to such an action. She probably should of ran for the hills at that point. Mind you this was before she married me. So she is that much of a kind and forgiving person that she overlooked that incident and still said I do.
So I am very much looking forward to adding her content to this blog. She has made fantastic progress in her training in the last year and a half. She is kind of like Darth Vader. She was but the learner but now she is the master. She keeps pace with me and has slogged through all of these insane training sessions we do day in and day out. Along the way she has picked up so much knowledge and expertise that I know will shine through in her articles.
Thankfully she is sleeping right now because I just ripped some nasty ass. I hope it dissipates soon but I am worried it might linger around. like that uncle who stays later than everyone else at a family gathering. If you want to be a powerlifter or bodybuilder than you will need to learn how to rip some stealth ass. The high protein diet we consume means it can be rather foul so you have to learn how to manage it properly. I prefer to hold back until we are in a public place like a grocery store and then let loose. That way I can blame it on other people and even act very offended that they would do such a thing. Just be forewarned that that tactic can sometimes bite you in the ass (pun intended). If it is a lingerer then eventually your significant other will catch on that the smell is following you guys.
Well I think I am going to wrap up this entry. Next entry I am going to focus on specific exercises for women to improve their all too important waist to hip ratio.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
How to Attract the Opposite Sex Part 7
I have to be honest, I really have no motivation to write this entry. The last entry focused on how women can appear more attractive to men. I extensively researched multiple studies on the subject that were published in medical and scientific journals. I sifted through what information I found and discarded any contradictory information or studies performed under dubious standards. I then showed how those studies could apply to personal training. I explained how a good personal trainer could write a program specifically designed to improve how attractive a woman would appear towards men based upon her body type.
The truth is that most people don't care about improving their physique. They simply want the scale to read a lower number. If they can also fit into a smaller clothes size it is all the better. Let me give you a quick example of what I am talking about. Say a woman, we will call her Delorean, hires Quickstrike Fitness Solutions for personal training. Delorean has recently separated from her long time husband. The thought of re-entering the dating scene terrifies her. She comes to us because she is insecure about her body and wants to feel more desirable. At first I try to fix her up with my uncle, Ron, "I'll fuck'em fat", Meinhard. Delorean is flattered, but politely declines. My next step is to do a physical assessment.
This is actually a quick process. I simply get some basic information from her and do a quick visual check. I notice that she has a thick waist and not much junk in the trunk. I refer to this as the "potato" look. It is very common among women but it certainly doesn't need to be. My next step will be to give her a basic overview of how we can improve her physique and send her back into the dating world with a leg up on the competition (this is a very simplified summary of the process a new client would go through). I would tell her that we would focus her diet and training around thinning out her waist line and adding a bit of meat to her ass and hips.
At this point she gives me that pissed off black woman's look. She is not black, at least I would assume she is not if she has no ass, but she gives me that look all the same. If you don't know what that look is then I suggest watching Eddie Murphy's live stand up show called Raw. He nails that pissed off black woman's look better than anyone. She then gives me a dressing down. "Ohh what kind of trainer are you, yeah lets make my ass bigger, ohhh... look at me 'my name is Jason and I am a fucking retard'". That might be a hard sentence to follow but it was basically her pretending to be me. Damn I am confusing myself now.
Let me tell you that if you have no interest in actually improving your physique, but instead only want to lose weight, then you do not need a personal trainer. All you need is to eat less. Yes it is really that simple. It doesn't matter what you eat, just eat less and you will lose weight. You will look like shit after you lose weight but obviously you don't care so long as the scale reads less. What I am getting at is that unless you try to change your physique all you will end up is a smaller version of yourself. If you are a potato with legs you will be a smaller potato with legs. Sorry but I could never charge someone money to make them look like shit.
So Delorean storms out of our office (currently our living room- but office sounds cooler). Because she is fat and mad, she slips on our front steps and rolls down the hill in front of our house. She is not seriously hurt but it does give us a great laugh. As she picks herself up off the ground, another potential client is already pulling up. This client is a bit different than the last one though. The most important difference is that he has a penis and not a vagina. Right away I am excited because I am always on the look out for new clients that might eventually become a training partner. Women are always welcome to train with the "hardcore" group but there is simply not that many interested in doing that.
This man, we will call him Beef Supreme, is interested in personal training. He has been single for sometime and lacks confidence with the opposite sex. He hopes that by improving his body he might be more confident with women. The first thing I do is ask him his penis size to make sure it is not bigger than mine. Once I get that out the way I then do the same physical assessment as I did with Delorean. Beef Supreme is on the taller side, a bit of a spare tire, big arms and a thick chest but not the biggest shoulders. By this point I am chomping at the bit. I explain to him that I have had a similar build so I am a bit of an old pro when it comes to dealing with that. I tell him that by working on shedding the fat from his midsection and really working on the rear and side shoulder muscles we could dramatically improve his physique.
Beef Supreme seems a bit disappointed at first. He tells me that he is not interested in being big and bulky and just wants to tone up. Normally this would annoy me but since I have a bigger penis than him I let it roll off my shoulder. Instead of being annoyed I ask him what is "toning up?" There is no such thing as toning. You cannot shorten or lengthen a muscle or change its shape. Sorry but we have what we are born with. That is why there is only about a 100 bodybuilders (out of hundreds of thousands worldwide) who can qualify as pro's. Even among the pro's there has only been 13 men to win the Mr. Olympia title (the top competition in bodybuilding) in the 47 years that it has been held. An even more staggering statistic is that the four men with the most Mr. Olympia wins (Lee Haney- 8, Ronnie Coleman- 8, Arnold Schwarzenegger- 7, Dorian Yates- 6) have won it a combined 29 times. That means that in 47 years four men have won the event more than 60% of the time. So what I am saying is that life is not fair.
I tell him that if he simply loses weight, with no regard to improving his physique, he will become disappointed with his results no matter how much weight he loses. Whether he weighs 300 pounds or 200 pounds he will still have narrow shoulders and a spare tire (the tire will be less but still there). That is why you have to follow a training protocol to improve your physique while you lose weight. This requires more effort than simply losing weight but it is the only way to go about things. Some people who read this might still have doubts but your fear of hard work will never change the facts. Watch the Biggest Loser to see what I mean. They lose weight but just end up skinny fat people instead of people with an impressive physique.
So, with that out of the way, I will explain to men how to make themselves more attractive to women. Actually, this can be a bit more complicated because women are a lot more complex then men. If you doubt this let me ask you, how often do men have to fake orgasms? That just ended any doubts right in their tracks. You see it would seem that a woman's perception of a man's attractiveness could vary depending on what stage of her menstrual cycle she is in. So I am just going to pretty much ignore any traits affected by that because I don't want to spend all night typing this up. Hell, I don't even care. I am married to a beautiful woman so it is kind of like, "fuck you guys, you are on your own." Ah... I guess I will finish this only because I am stubborn.
So women like men with symmetrical faces. Big fucking surprise there. I mean seriously, did we need a study to know that women are not attracted to Quasimodo? More attractive men apparently smell better as well even if a woman cannot see the man. Basically women can be blind folded, smell a group of men, and the ones who smell best will be the ones who the women will rate as more attractive when the blind fold comes off. Women find men with bigger penises to be more attractive up to a certain point. Women are also attracted to taller men, but again up to a certain height.
A funny fact actually. A shorter man has to have a much longer penis to be found as attractive of a taller man. And when a certain shortness is reached, no amount of penis size can affect a man's attractiveness rating. A small plump man with a large penis is considered the most unattractive. A taller man can have a smaller penis and still be found more attractive. A tall man with a bigger penis ranks the highest. Women prefer a man with less body hair. Again no fucking shit there right? Have you ever met a woman who wanted to fuck a woolly mammoth? Maybe in the 80s, but things were different then. In the 80s women loved mustaches and mullets, so I am sure they could accept a nice hairy chest. Thankfully the mullet, mustaches, and hairy chests went the way of stretch pants. Only hillbillies from Ohio have them.
What women really like though is a man with a bigger chest and a smaller waist. Along with this, they like a man with broad shoulders. This is known as the "v-taper". In the 40s they used to sell mens coats with padding in the shoulders and a tightened waist to give the appearance of a nice v-taper. This is the classic look that has defined modern bodybuilding since its inception. If you look back to ancient Greece and their sculptures you will see broad shoulders and thin waists.
Unluckily for Beef Supreme, he has the opposite of that ideal look. He has fat deposits increasing his waist size and narrow shoulders which kills any chance of a nice v-taper. Losing the fat around the belly is fairly straight forward. Start following a solid diet and begin a training regime. Make sure to hit the weights hard and perform cardio a few times a week. Some people respond better to certain things and respond worse to others but I will monitor Beef Supreme's progress and make adjustments as necessary. He also needs to add some width to his shoulders. He cannot change his bone structure obviously. Instead we have to work with what he has, but the better he develops his side and rear shoulders the broader his shoulders will look. The first Mr. Olympia, Larry Scott, had a more narrow shoulder structure but due to his training he appeared to have a nice set of broad shoulders.
Well that is it for now. This is the end of the beginning of this series. More to come very soon!!!
The truth is that most people don't care about improving their physique. They simply want the scale to read a lower number. If they can also fit into a smaller clothes size it is all the better. Let me give you a quick example of what I am talking about. Say a woman, we will call her Delorean, hires Quickstrike Fitness Solutions for personal training. Delorean has recently separated from her long time husband. The thought of re-entering the dating scene terrifies her. She comes to us because she is insecure about her body and wants to feel more desirable. At first I try to fix her up with my uncle, Ron, "I'll fuck'em fat", Meinhard. Delorean is flattered, but politely declines. My next step is to do a physical assessment.
This is actually a quick process. I simply get some basic information from her and do a quick visual check. I notice that she has a thick waist and not much junk in the trunk. I refer to this as the "potato" look. It is very common among women but it certainly doesn't need to be. My next step will be to give her a basic overview of how we can improve her physique and send her back into the dating world with a leg up on the competition (this is a very simplified summary of the process a new client would go through). I would tell her that we would focus her diet and training around thinning out her waist line and adding a bit of meat to her ass and hips.
At this point she gives me that pissed off black woman's look. She is not black, at least I would assume she is not if she has no ass, but she gives me that look all the same. If you don't know what that look is then I suggest watching Eddie Murphy's live stand up show called Raw. He nails that pissed off black woman's look better than anyone. She then gives me a dressing down. "Ohh what kind of trainer are you, yeah lets make my ass bigger, ohhh... look at me 'my name is Jason and I am a fucking retard'". That might be a hard sentence to follow but it was basically her pretending to be me. Damn I am confusing myself now.
Let me tell you that if you have no interest in actually improving your physique, but instead only want to lose weight, then you do not need a personal trainer. All you need is to eat less. Yes it is really that simple. It doesn't matter what you eat, just eat less and you will lose weight. You will look like shit after you lose weight but obviously you don't care so long as the scale reads less. What I am getting at is that unless you try to change your physique all you will end up is a smaller version of yourself. If you are a potato with legs you will be a smaller potato with legs. Sorry but I could never charge someone money to make them look like shit.
So Delorean storms out of our office (currently our living room- but office sounds cooler). Because she is fat and mad, she slips on our front steps and rolls down the hill in front of our house. She is not seriously hurt but it does give us a great laugh. As she picks herself up off the ground, another potential client is already pulling up. This client is a bit different than the last one though. The most important difference is that he has a penis and not a vagina. Right away I am excited because I am always on the look out for new clients that might eventually become a training partner. Women are always welcome to train with the "hardcore" group but there is simply not that many interested in doing that.
This man, we will call him Beef Supreme, is interested in personal training. He has been single for sometime and lacks confidence with the opposite sex. He hopes that by improving his body he might be more confident with women. The first thing I do is ask him his penis size to make sure it is not bigger than mine. Once I get that out the way I then do the same physical assessment as I did with Delorean. Beef Supreme is on the taller side, a bit of a spare tire, big arms and a thick chest but not the biggest shoulders. By this point I am chomping at the bit. I explain to him that I have had a similar build so I am a bit of an old pro when it comes to dealing with that. I tell him that by working on shedding the fat from his midsection and really working on the rear and side shoulder muscles we could dramatically improve his physique.
Beef Supreme seems a bit disappointed at first. He tells me that he is not interested in being big and bulky and just wants to tone up. Normally this would annoy me but since I have a bigger penis than him I let it roll off my shoulder. Instead of being annoyed I ask him what is "toning up?" There is no such thing as toning. You cannot shorten or lengthen a muscle or change its shape. Sorry but we have what we are born with. That is why there is only about a 100 bodybuilders (out of hundreds of thousands worldwide) who can qualify as pro's. Even among the pro's there has only been 13 men to win the Mr. Olympia title (the top competition in bodybuilding) in the 47 years that it has been held. An even more staggering statistic is that the four men with the most Mr. Olympia wins (Lee Haney- 8, Ronnie Coleman- 8, Arnold Schwarzenegger- 7, Dorian Yates- 6) have won it a combined 29 times. That means that in 47 years four men have won the event more than 60% of the time. So what I am saying is that life is not fair.
I tell him that if he simply loses weight, with no regard to improving his physique, he will become disappointed with his results no matter how much weight he loses. Whether he weighs 300 pounds or 200 pounds he will still have narrow shoulders and a spare tire (the tire will be less but still there). That is why you have to follow a training protocol to improve your physique while you lose weight. This requires more effort than simply losing weight but it is the only way to go about things. Some people who read this might still have doubts but your fear of hard work will never change the facts. Watch the Biggest Loser to see what I mean. They lose weight but just end up skinny fat people instead of people with an impressive physique.
So, with that out of the way, I will explain to men how to make themselves more attractive to women. Actually, this can be a bit more complicated because women are a lot more complex then men. If you doubt this let me ask you, how often do men have to fake orgasms? That just ended any doubts right in their tracks. You see it would seem that a woman's perception of a man's attractiveness could vary depending on what stage of her menstrual cycle she is in. So I am just going to pretty much ignore any traits affected by that because I don't want to spend all night typing this up. Hell, I don't even care. I am married to a beautiful woman so it is kind of like, "fuck you guys, you are on your own." Ah... I guess I will finish this only because I am stubborn.
So women like men with symmetrical faces. Big fucking surprise there. I mean seriously, did we need a study to know that women are not attracted to Quasimodo? More attractive men apparently smell better as well even if a woman cannot see the man. Basically women can be blind folded, smell a group of men, and the ones who smell best will be the ones who the women will rate as more attractive when the blind fold comes off. Women find men with bigger penises to be more attractive up to a certain point. Women are also attracted to taller men, but again up to a certain height.
A funny fact actually. A shorter man has to have a much longer penis to be found as attractive of a taller man. And when a certain shortness is reached, no amount of penis size can affect a man's attractiveness rating. A small plump man with a large penis is considered the most unattractive. A taller man can have a smaller penis and still be found more attractive. A tall man with a bigger penis ranks the highest. Women prefer a man with less body hair. Again no fucking shit there right? Have you ever met a woman who wanted to fuck a woolly mammoth? Maybe in the 80s, but things were different then. In the 80s women loved mustaches and mullets, so I am sure they could accept a nice hairy chest. Thankfully the mullet, mustaches, and hairy chests went the way of stretch pants. Only hillbillies from Ohio have them.
What women really like though is a man with a bigger chest and a smaller waist. Along with this, they like a man with broad shoulders. This is known as the "v-taper". In the 40s they used to sell mens coats with padding in the shoulders and a tightened waist to give the appearance of a nice v-taper. This is the classic look that has defined modern bodybuilding since its inception. If you look back to ancient Greece and their sculptures you will see broad shoulders and thin waists.
Unluckily for Beef Supreme, he has the opposite of that ideal look. He has fat deposits increasing his waist size and narrow shoulders which kills any chance of a nice v-taper. Losing the fat around the belly is fairly straight forward. Start following a solid diet and begin a training regime. Make sure to hit the weights hard and perform cardio a few times a week. Some people respond better to certain things and respond worse to others but I will monitor Beef Supreme's progress and make adjustments as necessary. He also needs to add some width to his shoulders. He cannot change his bone structure obviously. Instead we have to work with what he has, but the better he develops his side and rear shoulders the broader his shoulders will look. The first Mr. Olympia, Larry Scott, had a more narrow shoulder structure but due to his training he appeared to have a nice set of broad shoulders.
Well that is it for now. This is the end of the beginning of this series. More to come very soon!!!
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